This Is Not Exactly Black Girl Magic

I have never watched this show a day in my life but I just might tune in on May 22 as 31 year old Rachel Lindsay, a Texas lawyer and contestant on the current season of The Bachelor, has been announced as the next Bachelorette, the first black lead on either dating show.

Well girl, if that's what you want, I guess so...

This isn't exactly good news, I just want to see how many brothers they'll choose as one of her suitors. My guess is 5 minus 4, but I could be wrong. I just can't get with a black woman chasing behind white men, it irks the fuck out of my spirit. And listen, I don't like seeing any woman chase behind any man, but in today's racial climate that has existed since those motherfuckers landed on this here land and robbed, raped and pillaged their way into power, my patience for this kind of thing is thin as a mofo.

So, who's tuning in to see the shit show with me?

On Having A Beach Body Before The Summer

I have dealt with body image issues most of my adult life. I think most of you would be surprised at what my issues are. I've never been overweight, like EVER. Even those two times I got knocked up, I lost weight because God clearly wants me to remain thickless. The most I have ever weighed was 136 lbs and that was when I was pregnant with baby number 2. When I got pregnant with him, I was 125 lbs, but for the first 6 months, I lost weight due to my morning sickness making me look at food like it was the devil.

Morning sickness ain't no joke Joe. If I could, I'd kill that bitch, burn its body and spit on its grave.

Growing up in the south as a black girl, with thick ass female family members who have prominent womanly features, is something that can make or break you. I've been told that I have Fischer Price Titties, that my legs don't shake when I walk, that my classmates 5 year old niece has bigger tits than mine and that I need to eat among other cruel and unprovoked messed up things. That's right, there were a lot of motherfuckers brought up the wrong way and I just so happened to run across all of them.

At 36 years old, I am still dealing with learning to love my body as it is. I am and have always been skinny AF. My goal for the last 16 years has been to gain weight AND keep it on. You see, I have no problem gaining weight at all. It's just as easy to gain it as it is for me to lose it. My problem is my metabolism, I've got the type of metabolism that makes you lose 5 lbs by typing, "I need to lose 5 lbs". All those calories my fingers just burned really just set me back. But seriously, my metabolism is like that of a 5 year old. One week I can weigh 130 lbs and a week later I'm back down to 123 lbs. Its frustrating as hell at times because you get so happy with the progress you've made, then if you get a little sick, feel a little down, miss a couple of meals, you've got to start all over again. *throws mouse across the room, but not really*

Since Bae is getting all ripped and stuff, I feel like I need to match his sexy too. My goal is a healthy 145 lbs. I plan on sprinting for fat loss (around the belly), eating the foods I love to eat (because bitch I don't diet) and doing some weight training to build muscle. I don't have to look like Kathy Drayton by the midsection or anything, I just don't want any belly overage when I sit down. What I do want are toned legs and arms and for my ass to look a bit Bonita Applebumerish. I will bravely post try to remember to post progress pics and talk about the things I'm doing to look 30-Fine. I plan on buying a few bikinis this summer and giving 20 year old women something to look forward to in their mid to late 30s.

This journey will begin sometime next week. I want to take my time coming up with a schedule and to do a little research on the types of exercises that I need to do to achieve my goals. I'll post up once I begin.

Welcome To The Lemonade Academy

I have launched many a side businesses since 2006, my first official year working in the "real world". It was that year that I decided this shit ain't for me. I'm still here though. Working to get that small ass paycheck to pay these large ass bills. Apparently, this shit is for me.

What I really mean is, working for someone else makes me extremely unhappy. So much so that I've become obsessed with being my own version of a Girl Boss - all black, fabulous, inspowering and whatnot.

Anyway, I decided to create the Lemonade Academy where I will be talking about each business venture or side hustle idea I launched or thought about launching, how I started it and all the tools, sites and any links I've used in the past. Once monthly I will focus on one new business that you can start, and once weekly I will cover several different steps to help you go from business idea to launching your new startup. 

Here's a list of businesses I've launched or thought about launching. Each one of these businesses cost me less than $3,000 to start - one only cost me $31 to launch, and in my first month I made $800. 

  • Subscription Box Business
  • Shoe Party Business
  • Vintage Clothes Business
  • Cutoff  Shorts Business
  • Mobile Party Bus Business (for children)
  • Hand Painted Unfinished Wood Business
  • Wire Head Wrap Business
  • Bath & Body Business
  • Candle Business
There are tons of websites and blogs that will give you way more businesses that you can start for little money. The difference between them and the Lemonade Academy is that they stop at telling you the type of business to start, some will even tell you about how much money you would need to start such a business, but that's about it. With the Lemonade Academy, I break down the entire process from idea to launch and I do it all for free! You may be asking, "But Stephanie, why are you giving away all this goodness for free?" My muva did the same thing, here's how our conversation went:

Muva: Un-uh Stephanie, what if someone takes your business idea and turns a major profit? How are you gonna get your cut?

Me: Girl listen, that's the whole idea, for my readers to make a profit off of these ideas. I got all this God-Given Sauce and it helps no one to keep it bottled up.

Muva: But what do you get out of it?

Me: Chile, everythang! I just want to help people help themselves, besides, ain't nobody reading this blog anyway mama, I can't charge nobody for these nuggets no matter how golden they are.

So there. I'm not looking to make money off of your hard work. I'm just here to walk you through the process with little baby steps and cotton socks. Since we're halfway through February and I don't particularly care to start something in the middle of the month, I'll begin the first week of March. This gives me time to prepare anyway. Although this is the most informal free class ever, I still want to be as professional as possible.

Think of the Lemonade Academy as a sort of Boss Girl Academy with a twist - we're all homegirls just shooting the breeze, learning how to be rich AF while sipping mimosas and eating crab legs - it gets no better than that!

Tell me, what type of business would you like see featured in the Lemonade Academy?

I Bought The Fake Me Out Gucci Crossover Sandals

There's always a more affordable version of our luxe faves and the folks over at Cape Robbin did not disappoint. In my opinion, this shoe is a timeless piece, so if I had the disposable income to purchase the Gucci Crossover Sandals, I would. Since I don't, I decided to let Charlotte Russe make my month with their fake me out versions in pink, they were only $14.99 and apparently no longer available online.

What do you think of the quilted sandal trend? Like it or nah?

Toine Is Back Bish: The Breaks Original TV Series By VH1

I have always wanted to do my own recap of some show that I'm in lust with but I'm always late to the party. I just don't like the idea of starting something in the middle of season 3. And I'm not about to go a whole ass 2 seasons back just to recap some isht no one is talking about anywhere. But bish guess what? The Breaks is about to happen heaux!

First of all, sweet Moses and Jebediah, Antoine Harris is so damn fine, Lawd I just cannot ta-day! Forgive me y'all, I easily get sidetracked when talking about chocolate wine - whew Bobby Schmurda Mac n Cheese bruh, I love Toine, but not more than Bae. Bae is King of Bae's, we've been together almost 15 years and we made a baby Future Bae, I'm just an appreciator of God's brown delights, I can't help it.

*She straightens up her blouse and checks her lipstick*

But I'm not wearing lipstick. So, The Breaks television series is coming to VH1 in a couple of weeks and I'd like to think that we (us black folk) had something to do with it. Now if I were a journalist, I'd go ahead and do a little research to see how this series came about. Was it because we wanted more and the movie wasn't enough? Or was this part of the plan the whole time? But I'm not a journalist and I've decided that some things in life don't really matter so I'm gonna just leave that bit of info out of this blog post. This wasn't even planned, I just happened to get on Facebook and Toine's fine ass face appeared and I had to come talk about it.

Straight from VH-1: "The Breaks series picks up where the successful VH1 original movie leaves off. It is 1990 in New York City at the height of rap's "Golden Age" of creativity, but corporate America has been hesitant to embrace the genre. Nikki (Afton Williamson) lands a dream job as the assistant to the legendary and out-of-control Barry Fouray (Wood Harris). Her best friend and producer DeeVee (Mack Wilds) is working with rapper Ahm (Antoine Harris) who is currently under investigation by the police for murder. How far will these driven young people go to rise to the top of the hip-hop world?

Written and directed by Seith Mann, the VH1 original movie, The Breaks, was praised for its authenticity and earned critical acclaim from The New York Times and Indiewire. Following the film's success, VH1 answered fans' demand for more of The Breaks by ordering a series adaptation.
Having worked years as a writer for the first rap magazine, The Source, and later as a record executive during hip-hop's ascent into the mainstream, Dan Charnas wrote the critically-acclaimed The Big Payback: The History Of The Business Of Hip-Hop - an epic, 40-year narrative of the executives, entrepreneurs, hustlers, and handlers who turned rap music into the world's predominant pop culture."

Be here for the recap Feb 21st to read about Toine and everybody else.

For the Four: Issue No. 01

I am so in love with Rue107 because, everything! I'm pulling this straight off of the website because my creative juices aren't flowing since I haven't even eaten breakfast yet.

"The creative spirit behind Rue107 is designer Marie Jean-Baptiste, who was born in the culturally rich and beautiful island of Haiti and now lives in New York City. Marie’s design aesthetic is jubilant and expressive. Through her designs, Marie shares the vibrant Creole colors that are a part of her heritage, while constantly drawing inspiration from the cultural melting pot of New York."

So each year I make a vow to do better with my appearance and I just never stick to it. Working for the State of Florida just does something to you, or me rather. Its like I have endless amounts of zero fucks to give and it shows. I don't wanna be like this anymore though guys, I'm too old to be looking all ready roll and shit, and my grandmother constantly turns her nose up at me when she sees what I wore to work. I'm just tired of the judgement. Honestly, I'm not, I don't care what people think, but you ladies are forever killing it on Instagram and dammit I wanna come for multiple lives too.

I will attempt to find something appropriate for a 36 year old mother of two to wear. My mission is to find an outfit to wear to work, on bae night, school function and something on the weekend from this shop. I think I just might make this a new series. I'll TRY to feature one black owned shop that can provide 4 different looks. If its a shoe store, I'll choose shoes for work, weekend, bae night, etc... and same goes for accessories shops, t-shirt shops and so on. Oh my damn, this might actually be fun!

Okay, so I'm just getting started and Rue107 won't be able to provide me all the options listed below, so I'm going to have to use another shop or several to complete this list. So, going forward this series will feature 1 or more black owned fashion companies. 

Leave a comment below and tell me what black owned businesses you like to shop!

For Work - Crew Pom-Pom + Phillipa Pom-Pom Pant $$$$

For Bae Night - Cicely Top + Nefertiti Skirt in Spicy Mustard $$

For School Function - Midi Infinity in Purple $$

For the Weekend - Dotie Lace Up Haler Jumpsuit $$

Girl I Got Bunions: Sandals To Hide Your Foot Knots

It's not enough that I was born breastless, with a long head and an ass that plays peak-a-boo depending on how much weight I've gained or lost. No, I have to go and get bunions too. I forgot to mention that my feet are extremely long. I used to be a strong 8.5, but some odd thing happened between ages 25 and 34 and my feet are now sitting at a size 9. I wish I was out of fucks to give but bruh, bunions on a long foot bruh???

One day, while perusing my trunk full of photos (because I'm nostalgic AF), I came across a fly ass picture of my fine ass self when I was a fresh 28 years old. I thought to myself how much of a shame it was that I didn't even fully appreciate the work God, my mama and my daddy put in when creating me; I'm a habitual horn tooter so there's that. My eyes wondered down that picture and landed on my feet. I saw bunions and the bunions were huge, the left one more prominent than the right. I could live with bunions and long feet before that day and couldn't GAF what anyone thought about them. I knew I had bunions and I was fine with the bunions, but that picture just tore through my body and snatched out a piece of heart. I boxed up all of the thong sandals I owned and poured out a little likka.

I didn't really pour out a little likka, but I damn sure would have if I had some.

Anyway, you know how it is when you notice something that has existed much of your adult life but because you must be bored and need something to complain about, you become obsessed with a non-issue and start researching ways to fix it when you really should just be thanking God that your black ass is alive and healthy? That's what I did, and 4 years later I am still contemplating getting a bunionectomy on my left foot.

It is recommended that you don't get a bunionectomy unless absolutely necessary. My reasons are more for aesthetics, but I do sometimes have a throbbing pain in that left bunion from time to time. I could be walking, sitting or sleeping, it doesn't matter. It's never enough for me to actually pay a doctor to maybe fuck my feet up for life though, so chances are this will never happen.

Anywho, Spring is quickly approaching and I need sandals that won't mess with my foot-esteem. So I went window browsing the other day and saw some really cute sandals that I'm thinking about purchasing in the very near future. They're not all "sexy" or anything, but I'm 36 years old with two children, I prefer cute and comfortable shoes.

Jeffrey Campbell Faye Heel

Patti Low Heel Mule

Sol Sana Nina Wrap Slide

Asos Taste Lace Up Wedge Sandals

Rocksy Spot Velvet Sandals

Slingback Leather Ankle Boots